The Latest.

Here's a little update on my situation as of late. Next Wednesday, October 1st, I will be moving into my own apartment in Mesa, which is the next town over from where I live now in Tempe. I'm kind of excited to move into my very own place, but a little sad at the same time because it sucks going from always living with people, whether it be at school or even home, to living by yourself. It will take a little getting used to but its nothing I can't handle. As far as the relationship goes, Chad & I are still officially broken up but are doing much better in general. After a few days of war-like living we both finally let our guards down and things seemed to be progressing in a more positive manner. There's no say as to whether or not we will actually reunite under an official title again but at least we're getting along and feeling happy. In regards to my parents involvement in this situation, basically they have done what they are known for and the only thing I believe they are "good" at, which is talk down to me and attempt to make me feel like I'm less than a human. They've considered this another 'fuck-up' and believe that I am a complete and utter failure in this world. It's nice to know that my parents, who have never taken any real chances, believe that I'm a failure. If anyone is a failure its them because they've never left New Jersey, they have no idea what else is out there. They don't know that life is different all over this planet and they are too phobic to want to see it. In their minds, they firmly believe that everyone is out to get everyone else. My mother in particular cannot seem to grasp the simplest things. She has the worst temper and will lash out at any given moment. My stepdad told me on the phone a few days that I've failed at everything I've ever done in my entire life. Here's a man who has had everything done for him or handed to him his entire life, including money, and did not move out of his parents house until he was 35 years old. I'm pretty sure that he has no room to talk about who's a failure here. He will not even drive to the Philadelphia Airport, which is south of the city, because he's too afraid. My parents told me the other day that they took a loss in the stock market so I threw it in their faces and told them they we're both failures. I said "look, you took a chance and you failed" and of course they were not pleased but they know I'm right. It's hard to see things from another's perspective, but when there's a generation gap on top of an intelligence gap, than things are that much harder. Another thing my parents do which does not make anything any easier for me is not supporting me in the decisions I make. I chose not drink (except wine on occasions) or do drugs, or hang out with the wrong crowd, or get knocked up without being ready to be a parent, or get arrested or anything worse than that; or let something get the best of me because I want to live a fantastic life. I know what my potential is, and I know that sticking with my goals and accomplishing my dreams is what is most important. My parents want me to drop out of school. They think because I've been in school this long that I should just give up. I'm going to be a well-respected doctor someday. I'm going to earn awards and write & publish books. I'm going be a college professor. I'm going to make a real difference in this world no matter what it takes, including going against all of the negativity my parents put forth. Despite the constant negativity that engulfs them on the daily, I am going to do what they think I cannot do. And when those important moments occur in my life, they will not be invited to share in those accomplishments with me because they told me I could not do it and they told me that everything I've ever done has been a failure. While their still sitting in their cookie-cutter house in New Jersey, I'm going to be making a difference and proving to myself, which is the only person I have to prove anything to, that the decisions I've made in life are the right ones; the right ones for me. My parents are very good at pushing their only child away. Their only making me hate them more and more everyday and increasing my desire to be that much more successful. When each and every one of those special moments of achievement in my life occur, they can sit at home and be miserable and then will they realize that maybe they should have re-thought their parental strategies. On the other hand, their negativity is a driving force for me and I am very thankful for that. I'm thankful to know that one day I am going to be exactly what I was told I could not be. If only my parents wanted to work with me throughout my life and actually support what I do and help me really achieve my goals, than maybe I would not be sitting here writing this blog entry, and I may not be so driven. Although I must say I am more than driven so I'm pretty sure that either way I would make it in this world regardless of their willingness to support me. They tell me to come to them if I ever need them, so when the time comes and I actually go to them, they cuss and scream at me and call me a failure. Their so contradictory and thats such a shame because they should be so proud of me despite the downfalls I have faced and overcame throughout my nearly 24 years of living. As I always say, at lease I can say that I've tried. Realisitically you will never actually know until you've tried something. Taking chances are absolutely worth it as long as you gain something from the experience. And until my parents have actually walked a mile in my shoes, I don't think they can dare to have an inch to criticize me with. But we all know that that day will never come.